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What to Do When Your Anxious Attachment is Triggered
Don’t make decisions out of fear.
When you think about your love life thus far, has it been filled with a lot of over-thinking, self-doubt, and anxiety? If so, chances are you have an anxious attachment style.
That’s exactly how I used to be. I’d stare at my phone, waiting for my dates to text me back. The slightest change of tone in my ex’s voice would set me off. If overthinking were a sport, I would have many gold medals.
Someone with an anxious attachment worries a lot about their love life and makes decisions out of fear. You may have found that this keeps you from forming relationships or, the opposite, makes you cling to anyone who shows you attention.
When an anxious attachment style is triggered, the behaviors and actions of that person does are called protest behaviors. In a sense, they’re that person’s way of trying to make things OK again.
Some anxious attachment style protest behaviors are:
- Excessively calling someone.
- Stalking social media profiles.
- Crying to make the other person feel bad.
- Analyzing the relationship every free moment you have.
- Blaming or guilting the other person during an argument.
- Questioning what the other person thinks about you.
- Withdrawing (emotionally or physically).
These behaviors might feel like the right thing to do, but they hurt the connection between two people. Plus, giving into them only makes you feel more anxious and feeds the vicious cycle.
If you want to be more confident and secure in your love life, one way is to learn how to regulate your emotions when you’re feeling triggered. AKA, how to not engage in protest behaviors.
Create a list of healthier coping activities.
Several years ago, a therapist friend told me to make a list as long as my age (25 at the time). She said to fill it out with activities that help make me feel better when my anxiety feels overwhelming.
